5th Seven

Yesterday, popo came home. I am pretty sure. It rained around 6ish. So it's a sign.

We started the prayer late coz sis came back late. Pretty uneventful. First uncle came with his wife as usual. We didn't talk. It felt awkward.

A celebration to forget

Two days ago was my birthday but it's not the year I want to celebrate. Popo is no longer around. While we never celebrate my birthday based on the Gregorian calendar, today still reminds me of her.

On every 5th day of CNY, popo will come to my house to celebrate my birthday. I get an angpow from her every year. RM50 each time in recent years. Yet this year, she did not make it to my birthday. Initially, my plan was to celebrate it on Sat as I did not take leave on that day. I planned to go over to her house due to her conditions. None of the plan materialised. Though I did go over to her house, it was at the wake. I am not sure how I can go through this day anymore without remembering her wake.

I think about her all the time. The day she left. Her look as she laid lifeless on the hospital bed. Her voice when she called out to my cousins. Sometimes, I will think about the time when she was younger and still healthy. That was the popo I missed and failed to cherish.

3rd 7

Last Tuesday was the third seven prayer for popo. It was a quick prayer. In the middle of waiting for 1st uncle, rain came. I wondered if popo is back, remembering what Yuen had stressed numerous times. When a dragon comes home, it will rain.

At about 7.30pm when we were back at home, in the middle of dinner, the dogs started howling. For those who believe, dogs are said to be able to see wondering souls and they howl when they see them. Another sign that popo is back?

To this day, her departure still felt like a dream, or rather a nightmare I want to wake up from.

An agonising experience

25 January 2012. Third day of Chinese New Year. Water dragon year. 7.30pm. Popo left us. The doctor had been trying for 40 minutes but they could not get a BP. We were finally allowed into the emergency room. As I approached her lifeless body, my mind went blank. I couldn't speak. All I could do was cry. In between, I managed to call out once to her. I touched her right hand. I wanted to try to hold her. I thought she was going to wake up when she heard us. But she gave no reaction. In about 1 minute, we were taken aside by the hospital staff. He told us we needed to report this incident to the police station if we want to prevent a post-mortem. We were ushered out of the room as they wanted to put her into a bag. We decided that cousin and I will accompany mom to make the report. We were told to try the Kajang police station which was about 5 minutes away. The staff assured us that they will keep her body in the waiting room till 9pm.

We rushed to the police station only to be told that the issuance of the permit mengubur can't be made from this branch. We needed to go back to Batu 9 where she lived. It was already 8.05pm. We dashed back to Batu 9 to make the report. By the time we got back to the hospital, it was 10 minutes to 9pm. I knew we made it. But when I got to the waiting room, my family and popo were gone. When I found sis, I was told that they moved her already but she knew where her body is. We drove into the mortuary. It was dark and we were lost. Finally, we asked the security only to be told that we had to go back to the hospital to enquire. I was very disappointed when I found out that the staff had already gone home. We had to wait till the next day to bring her home.

Every time I think back to that day, I will wonder what I could have done differently to ease her pain. 

Only time can heal

As time passed by, I could feel the pain subsiding. Every time I thought of popo's last moment, I could feel my heart aching but the tears had begun to dry up. Today, I went out to buy breakfast. I found myself able to face people. I was even able to smile to acknowledge another's presence. Soon, I will be able to move on without popo. Soon, I will be able to accept that I can no longer see her whenever I like. Soon...but not sure when.